Reflections from the past 24 years

I feel the need to say thank you. This has been on my mind for several days now and I just feel the need to put it down on some digital paper. I've been called an emotional guy before, and I know its true. I'm proud of it. I'm emotional because I understand, and I appreciate. The last few years have been tough for me. I've lost people very dear to me. I've experienced depression. I've made mistakes, but I feel like I've grown because of them. I've found myself. For all of you that have been there for me, thank you. Not just for your love and time, but for being you. You've made my life what it is. You've made me who I am. Some things can't be said. There is no way to communicate them because human language is simply incapable. These things can only be felt. All I can do is try to live my life in a way that would make you proud.

My family and a few close friends, you've made my life worth living, even when I didn't want to live it anymore. I love you more than I could express in any amount of words or paragraphs. My uncle Brian, I think about you every day. I cry when I think of you more often than I'd like to admit. You were my hero, and I'll never stop missing you. I hope one day I can be half the man that you were. My mother, the strongest, most determined person I've ever known. It doesn't seem to matter what the obstacle is, she always overcomes it. I'm not quite sure how she does it. We've been through so much even in just my short time on this planet, and she's always like a rock. Taking care of business. She's always put her kids first, the way a mother should. I've felt so lucky to have her as mine, especially when I've done nothing to deserve it. The only person I can break down in front of. She is truly my inspiration. 

My dad, I've always called him Von. But just because he wasn't my biological father doesn't mean he meant any less to me. He raised me, taught me what it meant to be a man, how a man should treat a woman, and what unconditional love was. Neither of us have ever been good at communicating feelings, but its because of that as we've gotten older I think we've gotten closer. We've gained a better understanding of one another. There is simply no one on the planet who works harder and shows such great strength of character on a daily basis than he does. His entire life has been about sacrifice: for his wife, for his kids, and for their goals and desires. Completely selfless, he is who we all should be.

My brother is my best  friend. He's 17 and and trying to grow up as fast as he can. But I've never known a young man as smart as he is. I worry about him everyday, not because I doubt him, but because its my job. I always feel as if I should be doing a better job as a role model for him, but I'm only human. Every time I've moved home and and then subsequently left, I've cried my eyes out. Always careful not to do it in front of them though, I want to seem stronger than I really am. I'm so impressed at the young man he's grown up to be despite the fact that I've been largely absent during his teenage years and his strained relationship with his dad. The circumstances have been shitty, but despite that he has still thrived. He's full of love and compassion and I wish I could be more like him. 

My sister, she's hilarious, talented, beautiful, and the most mature person I've ever known at such a young age. She's emotional but tries to hide it, just like I do. In fact, I see more of myself in her than anyone I've ever met. I still remember when we were so young, we were inseparable at times. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to be someone she can be proud of. I don't feel like I can ever reach that goal, but I love her more than I could ever say. I regret not telling her more often and staying closer to her while I was in college. I was selfish, and never took much time to reflect on those my life impacted. She was exposed to so many bad things at such a young age, and I can't help but feel guilty. I should have been there to shield her from them. Despite my failure, I have never been more confident in anyone than I am in her. She's so smart and genuine I know she'll be a wonderful human being, just as she is now. I feel so lucky to have her as my sister, and I hope one day we can be as close as we were when we were children. 

I'm lucky enough to have a few close friends who I know I could always count on. I don't need to name them,  if you think you're one of them, you probably are. Roommates, actual and adopted, you've been there for me through good times and bad. We've grown up together and I won't ever forget you. A true friend is a friend for life and I would be there for you for anything. We're all very different, but that's how I like it. It might seem like I choose my friends on no basis at all, but I'm actually pretty discerning. Even while most of my closest friends didn't like each other I loved them all. Deep down they're all genuine, good people who all want the same thing. Even if they have different means of trying to achieve it. I know I may have seemed "shady" at times because I don't open up very often about my feelings and emotions. Don't take it personally, its a flaw I'm working on. You never have to doubt the fact that I care about you, and would do anything for you.

I guess I need to wrap this up, even though I could probably write several more pages. I hope in the next few decades I can be as inspiring to some as you all have been to me. I also hope I am better at showing my gratitude to those who have made my life what it is. Wonderful.